Lately I have been overwhelmed by the fact that God could actually be getting glory from my little life. Every corner of my house screams of things I've left unfinished. Every cabinet opened reminds me of what I don't accomplish during the day. Today the service man for our air conditioner came to do some maintenance. They ALWAYS come when my house is a complete mess. I'm talking the kind of mess where I am running around in front of him sliding toys behind doors and stuffing unmentionables into drawers. Today I just left it all. It's not that we always live in mess. It is Monday and Mondays are always messy.
The truth is that I habitually focus more on the mess or the unaccomplished or the undone more than I do the living and laughing and loving. I read something two weeks ago that God keeps whispering over me like those big black billboards that say "Love, God." A mark of the indwelling of the Holy Spirt is being loved and loving. Being ABLE to be loved and to love.
Somewhere in my life I made being loved about performing. It is hard for me to receive love when I know what a failure I can be. So, I focus on doing and hoping that it is enough for someone to overlook my flaws and allow me to be part of their lives. God is pulling that weed right now and I am learning to accept that He loves me because of who He is. There is no one thing I can do or be. There is no one thing I NEED to do or be. I cannot add to the cross and I can't justify myself. I am learning to be able to be loved by Him and by others.
The thing about doing is that it starts to turn the ones you love into items on a checklist. You start to think that if you just keep it together and wash the dishes and clean the house and cook the food and, and, and. You start to think that if you do all of those things, it will be enough to cover your flaws and that you will be loving. God is blowing this one up for me. I have to stop thinking that the things I do make me valuable to the ones I love and the ones who love me. Loving is about letting them see me fail and leave things undone and make a mess literally and spiritually. It is about esteeming their love enough to not try to add to it with my efforts.
I am just beginning to accept that this is His glory. All of us, His beloved, being loved by Him and loving each other. When it's easy. When it's hard. When it hurts. When we know that we fall short and loving and being loved anyway.
I think this is Grace working in my life. It is God whispering to me to stop and be loved and be Loved.
And I am going to do something that I've never done before. I want to hear from y'all. I am worried that no one will comment, but I am going to ask anyway because, well, I guess it would be good to hear that there are others learning this lesson or who have learned this lesson. I don't care if I know you or not.
Monday, April 20, 2009
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9 comments:
Hi. I've wanted to send you a message regarding your blog for quite some time now, but I thought it might be weird for you to get a message from someone you don't know. I'm friends with Erin Chumley who shared your blog with me because she wanted me to see the beautiful things you sew. I've continued coming back to your blog on a regular basis because the things you write about really speak to me and minister to me. I loved your entry today because I find that I also struggle with feeling the need to "do" and to prove that I'm worthy of others' love and attention. It's a battle that I fight daily. Thanks for reminding me that His grace is sufficient.
hey ellen
needed to hear that. Thank you!
I don't know that I've really learned it well. I focus on the mess and the undone. i'd like to let God pull that ugly weed in me.
I like His way of teaching you this. In the midst of family and life and togetherness. My learning came through much harder and lonelier means. And I love him for it. I also love Him for being able to accomplish the same love and the same work in totally different ways in different people. You are no more lovely for coming to this understanding, but it is joy to know that you may begin to receive the love that others have always had for you. And of course, to soak in a giant portion of the Love that has always been for you. I've always been on your team...and it's a big team.
E-i like the ways your worded this struggle. Not because they're fancy or particularly special, but because they are real. You are loved by many, but our love for you is compelled by His love for us. Not everyone may beleive that, but that's the Truth. As you've said, it's easy to get caught up in the to-do lists, which is part of life right now. But putting our identity in what we have or have not accomplished simply hurts our loving Father and dimishes the grace he so freely gives us. I am with you in the struggle, but I rejoice with you in the hope of growth!
Ellen, I had a very similar thought earlier this week that I just feel like I am always looking for things to write on my to do list and that life just passes me by while I continue to mark off the things on my list. I need to slow down and realize that it's not about accomplishing my to do list, but instead on appreciating and living in God's word. You are a very talented person in so many ways, and one thing that I have really loved about getting to know you (better) through your blog is through your faith. You are an inspiration to many - me included.
Thank you Ellen, this is so what I needed to hear today. I sent Jonathan off to work through tears and feeling like I was drowning. This early pregnancy sickness has been quite humbling for me. Somehow it's easier for me to slow down and let things go when the baby's on the outside (not in the womb)-- yah know. Anyway, in God's providence I'm sick this time and for a reason-His reasons. One of these days I will learn that God is not impressed with what I accomplish, but with the things He accomplishes in me-- and most importantly with what His Son accomplished on the cross on our behalf. Oh that we could experience true freedom in Christ-- to spend our time loving and serving and not "keeping up with the Joneses" and our "to do" lists.
Once again, wish we lived closer!
Ellen - I struggle with this, too. I feel if I don't do enough things on my to-do list, my day has been a waste. I'm reading The Power of a Praying Wife, and I'm starting to realize that it's not just about what I do, it's the attitude that goes along with it. It's better for me to spend 15 quality minutes with my family and enjoy it than to spend 15 minutes cleaning and hate it.
I so enjoy your blog. It speaks to me and blesses me.
Ellen,
I have printed off several of your posts in the past and this one will be included in my "Ellen file" :)! I was just telling a mom-friend today that I struggle with the small things daily now that my boys are older and running around everywhere. My check-list seems to control me and dictate my day. So, tonight I am letting go of my check-list and am going to spend extra time listening to God! Thank you for putting yourself out there for us to learn from... you are a talented writer! Thanks friend!
Okay, I haven't been reading blogs so that is why I didn't comment right away. You just spoke right into my struggle. I am trying to figure out what a "healthy/godly-relationship-with-my-to-do-list" looks like. I cannot not get things done but cannot find my identity in those things. But I wasn't sure what to do with the undone. I can allow others to love me in spite of it and choose to see myself as He does. Ummm. I am so grateful to be your friend.
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